The problem is, I can't be silent any longer. I've felt God asking me for several weeks now if I would bare my heart and be honest about this struggle. Why, you may ask? The following verses explain everything. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 1Corinthians 1:3-5 NIV
He's been comforting me in a hundred different ways. Now, I get to pass that comfort on to you, if you've been silently suffering, maybe thinking that you are all alone. But wait, now I'm ahead of myself.
Depression. Anxiety. Two dreadful words that I venture to say every single one of us has known at one time or another in our lives. We've experienced them to different degrees, I'm sure, and the impact that they've had on us varies. My personal experience is all I can speak from, and my only prayer is that God will be glorified through this, and that His comfort will flow over into your life.
As some of you know, I walked the road of clinical depression a few years ago, after a really painful experience. I experienced many awful physical symptoms throughout that time period, and the emotional struggle made me want to despair. I ended up taking anti-depressants, and through the grace of God, come out of that dark period of life. I hoped I would never be asked to deal with anything of that nature again. I would hear people flippantly say that they were "so depressed" as if it was a funny figure of speech to use. Inwardly, I would cringe, realizing all too well the implications of the word.
My Dr. told me that he didn't know what my future looked like. He didn't expect me to struggle with depression again, seeing as I was young, and my depression was triggered by a specific event. So, I faced the future with hope, thanking God that I was back to my old self, enjoying life.
Fast forward to this Fall, when this dreaded monster reappeared, knocking me off my feet again. It started off innocently enough, I suppose, with me facing some fears in my life and working through them. I expected to spring back effortlessly, but one afternoon, I had to face the truth. "It" was back in full force, and something had to be done. Those of you who have dealt with depression may understand what I'm talking about. It's not just mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual, but rather, it's a combination of all of the aforementioned.
I am an extrovert by nature, and love an active social life! However, suddenly I was terrified to step outside my door and face people. I had no idea how to hold a conversation anymore, and I wanted to stay at home, constantly. At the same time, I was terrified to be alone. I felt like I was drowning, fast falling into a dark, slippery hole that I would never be able to climb out of. I experienced physical symptoms that were enough to send me into more anxiety (I'm talking numb legs and arms, constricted breathing, and many more). I felt like I was in a huge bubble that nothing could penetrate. I knew that my Abba Father was holding me. Somehow, I could sense that. However, it was really hard to pray, to fight for truth. My husband has been an incredible gift from God through all of my struggles, and he began to see the situation much more clearly than I did. We are followers of Jesus, and were acting on things He was teaching us. Not cool in the devil's realm. We began to realize that this knocking us off our feet (and interrupting the progress that we had made spiritually) was exactly what the enemy wanted. We began to fight. Well, my husband began to fight, I should say. I felt powerless. I would wake up riddled with anxiety, dreading the day, wanting to sleep all day and forget I was alive. I wished I wasn't alive, to be honest. I would barely make it through work shifts, then come home and bawl my eyes out, again. I have never known such an endless stream of tears. My quiet time with Jesus was my lifeline, and I would soak up His words every morning. I cannot count the number of times that He spoke directly to my need, reassuring me of His love and power.
Daily tasks became so overwhelming to me, that I felt super accomplished if I managed to get my dishes done and get food on the table. Exercise is a recommended form of dealing with stress, but I couldn't force myself to do anything, even if that meant just going for a short walk. I felt chained to this depression.
We had also decided against taking anti-depressants, so I had no way of numbing my symptoms. We decided to treat this as the attack that we believed it was, and fight through, no matter how intense the struggle. So, we did. Little by little, my husband began encouraging me to join him in fighting. He prayed for/over me countless times, and slowly I began to be able to do the same. Fear doesn't stand a chance when the power of God's love enters the picture, and this is what I began to experience in my heart. I quoted Scripture, I prayed, I claimed His promises...and then repeated the process over and over.
Then, one evening, my husband and I were enjoying supper and a great time together. It felt awesome to be having fun again! Suddenly, I was in the middle of another anxiety attack, and we began praying. As we were praying, I began to hear sweet words of comfort out of Isaiah 43. It wasn't an audible voice, but I knew without a doubt that God was speaking, and was assuring me that I was going to make it out of my depression and see light again. "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; You are mine. When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned..." Is 43:1-2 NIV
I looked at Jason and whispered through my tears, "I'm going to be okay".
Slowly...I began to experience hope. The attacks came less frequently and were less severe. I began to have more good days than bad days, and I remember actually enjoying a day alone again. I wasn't instantly healed, but slowly restoration became my story. Am I completely healed now? No, not completely. However, my good days far outweigh my bad ones by now. I rarely face the attacks of anxiety anymore. My physical symptoms have almost completely disappeared. He is so faithful, and I am forever grateful. I can't imagine what this journey would have looked like without my husband. I thank God every day that He sent this warrior-poet into my life! He daily inspires me to live out my faith and focus on who God really is. So, so blessed.
Because of Christ, I believed that the sun would shine again in my life, even though the battle took the fight right out of me. Because of Christ, the sun is shining again, even though there's still cloudy days sometimes.
Don't give up.
You are loved by the Almighty God.
image source: pinterest
